Archive for January 19th, 2009

GOP Announces Newly-Identified Democratic Successes

January 19, 2009

In a surprise mass email today, the Republican National Committee identified the following as presidents who were foreign policy or anti-terrorism successes:

Jimmy Carter:  after the Iranians stormed our embassy, President Carter prevented any other American diplomats from being taken hostage anywhere in the world.

Bill Clinton:  after the Murrah Building, President Clinton kept us safe from domestic terrorist attacks on American soil.

Lyndon Johnson:  after the Gulf of Tonkin, President Johnson kept us safe from torpedo sneak-attacks on American ships anywhere in the world.

John Kennedy:  after the Bay of Pigs, President Kennedy kept us safe from disastrously inept invasions of impoverished minor countries.

“Truly,” the email goes on to say, “the last 50 years have seen an unbroken string of successful Democratic  presidents, when it comes to foreign policy and terrorism.  Therefore, we cannot in good conscience continue to say the Democrats are soft.  We’ll never use that as a campaign issue again.  Pinky swear.”

“To be frank,” one anonymous insider told us, “they’re every bit as good as we are, which is just weird to contemplate.  Everybody’s sort of wondering what to do next.  The 2 options getting the most air are that we either start caring about domestic policy, which is pretty gay, or we just dissolve the party.  We’re really torn.”

Historians in the future will struggle to accurately describe 2000-2008.  George W. Bush was president from Sept 12, 2001 to Dec. 31, 2007.  From Jan. 19, 2001 to Sept. 11, 2001, and from Jan. 1, 2008 to Jan. 19, 2009, America was in a presidential recession.

It turns out that when a president wins election by the flip of a coin, he can defer his inauguration to the second half.  Also, he can leave the field at the end of the 3rd quarter.  The latter is covered by the cases of Owens v. Philadelphia Eagles and, secondarily, Ramirez v. Boston Red Sox; the former is de novo.