Archive for February 23rd, 2007

What’s Going On?

February 23, 2007

Warning: this post isn’t about anything in particular, and it’s definitely not (directly) about politics.

It’s just my guilt post for not having been around much lately. Oh, I have been around, in the sense that I check the blog almost every day. And in the sense that each morning I check my usual suspects for topics that might make good posts.

Every time I come up empty.

On the one hand, I am really happy with my life. (This despite the fact that my beloved cat Simon passed away suddenly last week, which was devastating). But I also feel very walled off from the world, by choice, but this leaves me nothing to contribute here.

I do feel like a bad person about this, and maybe I have a biological excuse or maybe I don’t, but I just don’t give a damn what’s going on in Iraq, in the Scooter Libby trial, in the 2008 presidential race, or in Congress. I could really not care less. Those things have nothing to do with me or my life. In the same way, I am utterly disinterested in work except for the righteous indignation that my employers keep us feeling, well, pretty much every day. The whole thought of caring about anything outside my own home, family, and close friends is exhausting. I just don’t have anything to give to that right now. I don’t know if I ever will again.

I do still read the New York Times (well, I scan the headlines anyway) and of course watch the Daily Show, so I have a basic understanding of what’s going on and if something major happens I’ll be apprised of it. But I feel like the stage of my life where I was passionate and fired up about things is over. Now, my baby’s kicks are just a million times more interesting than what Hillary said about Obama this week. In a way, it’s sad, because my youthful idealism is gone (didn’t take long, did it?). I no longer have faith that there’s much if anything that I can do to change the world other than doing my own small part by raising my children to be good people and setting a good example for others around me in my own life.

This goes hand in hand with my complete loss of interest in having a “career,” whatever that even means. I feel like I was sold a bill of goods that work is supposed to be a great source of personal fulfillment. It took me almost six years of working to realize that this is, for the vast majority of people, a big lie. Work is a means to an end, not an end in itself. People who want careers seem to, almost without exception, want them for self-aggrandizement even if their articulated reasons are altruistic. This goes for all politicians and high-profile activists even in causes I believe in. Especially living in D.C., I feel aberrant for just wanting to be an average person with an average life.

One small anecdote from my office: our office manager said to one of the associates, who is a real clotheshorse and dresses very nicely all the time, that she was the only one of us who came to work “looking like a lawyer every day” and that she (the office manager) was going to suggest to the partners that all the attorneys be required to wear suits every day. I found that so offensive that I now find it difficult to be polite to this woman. (For the record, I wear jeans every day that I don’t have a deposition, meeting with opposing counsel, or court hearing). I hate suits and have never felt comfortable in them — I feel like a little girl playing dress-up. I realized the other day that the reason I hate suits so much is that for me, wearing one is making a statement that I think I’m someone important. Because I don’t think I am someone important and find all of that kind of posturing and formality to be tiresome and pointless, I prefer to dress like who I am.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense or not, but I thought I’d at least try to give an explanation for my long absence. I’m still here, I just don’t know if I have anything meaningful to contribute.