TGI Wednesday

by

Floored by the whelming flood of responses (all four of them) to last Friday’s APB sent out by the lord of the houseflies, I have, to quote Douglas McArthur, returned.

Spurred (notice how I work in “Spur” references now that the deserving team won the NBA championship?) on by illegitimate (I could’ve used another word there, but why mention the Pistons?) claims in some of those aforementioned responses, you may question where I’ve been since last you read the Friday installment, scratched your head and thought, “And this the guy who’s supposed to be funny?”

Such spurious (spur-ious) responses – as well as those labeling me a “douchebag” (and what do the Lakers have to do with this?) – are best ignored, but I shall not shrink from these queries. (A quick criticism of the Spurs: What, other than Eva Longoria, does Tony Parker bring to the table? I’ve never seen him play well; his skills at the point are a curious blend of Mark Eaton’s agility and Kurt Rambis’ shooting touch. Still, Eva Longoria…)

Wednesday’s Friday absences are attributable to one – ah, but which one? – of the following scenarios:

  • Trying to establish a solid connection between Michael Jackson’s acquittal and the subsequent mysterious disappearance/reappearance of a young Boy Scout in (nearby) Utah.
  • Working as a consultant to help choose the next set of contestants on “Has-Beens Dancing on A Crappy Reality Show,” which is not the title (but certainly should be) of ABC’s summertime hit (it’s crappy, so of course it’s a hit) TV series in which the likes of Evander Holifield compete in weekly dance-offs. (Who’s judging this thing – Michael Flatley?) Future contestants may include James Dobson (who won’t even sway rhythmically as he harangues nearby contestants on why they shouldn’t dance and why they can choose to leave the dancing lifestyle), John Bolton (because he’s not doing anything at the moment), Rasheed Wallace (ditto… and cue Simpson laugh: HA-ha!), Russell Crowe (because hoo boy! – it’ll be fun if he doesn’t win), Courtney Love (because if anybody can wreck the Soul Train, it’s Courtney Love), and Tom Cruise (because he LOVES to dance… he LOVES it, and he doesn’t care who knows it… HE. LOVES. TO. DANCE. Tom Cruise: Kid tested, Scientologist approved.).
  • Quizzing Mark Felt as to whether he really kept quiet all these years because he knew the guys in his bowling league would mock him mercilessly if they knew his nickname was “Deep Throat.”
  • “Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” hangover. Would you believe we haven’t seen it yet? Somewhere (most likely in a trailer park) Mark Hamill shouts to no one in particular: “Where could he be?”
  • Working to infiltrate and destroy, if possible, a paramilitary organization that once enjoyed the USA’s support but has, over the years, become an annoying, too-often-violent thorn in Uncle Sam’s fleshy derriere. Its covert tactics involve disrupting all forms of written communication while operating under its own constantly changing rules and guidelines, cleverly burying its key operatives deep within a sea of red tape and bureaucracy, effectively rendering them unreachable until the day they walk into a government facility in some Springfield somewhere and perpetrate random acts of violence. I’m talking, of course, about the United States Postal Service, an organization – and that term is oxymoronic when applied to the USPS – with which I’ve become all too familiar of late.

For now, let me just say it’s good to be home. Thanks so much for caring. If you want to send mail, please consider using UPS.

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4 Responses to “TGI Wednesday”

  1. Terry Austin Says:

    And who in the HECK decided we would have flowers as our designated bullet points on this site?

  2. Joe Longhorn Says:

    Awww… I think the flowers are cute.

    And just so’s ya know it, I got an e-mail from Nelson Mandela today.

    The combination of a Wednesday fly post, the Nellie e-mail, and the Horns being in the finals of the CWS (again) has me full to bursting with excitement and happiness!

    Now if the boss would just send us home early on a glorious SoCal Friday afternoon, I’d reach Nirvana.

  3. juvenal_urbino Says:

    “If you want to send mail, please consider using UPS.”

    Don’t get me started on UPS.

    “What, other than Eva Longoria, does Tony Parker bring to the table?”

    He’s hell on wheels in the kitchen.

    (BTW, if Jacko tells you he was in Aruba when the kid in Utah disappeared, it’s time to contact the authorities.)

  4. Joe Longhorn Says:

    Sweet victory. The boss must have heard my online pleas. Enjoy your collective week-ends. Except for Al who has to work on Sunday!

    HOOK’EM HORNS

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